I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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