i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
