It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
