where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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