Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
