there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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