u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize