So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
