i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
