Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
