just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
