I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
