Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
