Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
