I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize