And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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