Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
