I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
false alarm. still invincible.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
