Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
