If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
