we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
