the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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