guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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