it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize