just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
