dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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