I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
