It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
