T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
