In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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