woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
is that a dick in a sweater?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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