I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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