dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
