remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
