I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He did a backflip because drugs
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