you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
