We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
