She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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