well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
