i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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