My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
