I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
