The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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