I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
