So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
