yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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