dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
