he told me I talked like a deaf person
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
