Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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