Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize