The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
