Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
