So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
