why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
