please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i dont even know how to be here
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We don't watch enough power rangers
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
