I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
