My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
