Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
